yup it's confirmed God wants to keep me guessing. I had a lot of fun with the ex gf last weekend, but wasn't feeling any pitter pat inside as far as budding romance is concerned. I was however really excited to see another friend from college (girl) that I used to run into at homecoming all the time and it'd been about 3 years since I've seen her. I am surprised that she's still single. A beautiful tall blond, smart successful zoologist, Christian, fellow college crowd friend. all that, but she lives way up north in one of the twin cities. oh yeah that and I've messed around with guys before, quite a few. still though, can't hurt to become facebook friends and message back and forth, if nothing else for a little single living support. ha
I've received quite a few emails on the last post. and wanted to make it clear how much of a hopeless optimist I can be. sadly somewhere deep inside I sort of already feel doomed to living single the rest of my life, but as I DO believe in God, I can remain with hope for one plan or another be that a girl, guy, friend, companion. LOVURRR. whatever, I want to catch the right door when it does open. that's all.
from the married people I want to say that I feel like I want to try it backwards, instead of getting married in college and having kids and then wanting to experience naked men, I sometimes feel like I've already done about everything naked with men that I'm interested in doing, had my fun, and ready to move on. I'm straight curious maybe, but that sounds lame , I know. but I really don't think I'd feel some awful emptiness, I'm already keeping sort of celiate lately anyway, so big deal what's the difference. . ha
I'm sort of really competitive with guys enough to not understand how I could "fall in love" with one. also the messing around has always been more like sharing a game of basketball fun than developing any relationship. but my gay friends would say that that's just because I'm not allowing myself to consider that possibility, raised Christian and all. ok ok ok. of course it's just as beautiful for those of you who have found your one man, I'm not against it by any means.
change subject. I found a house in my college town that I"m considering maybe buying as a rental. just a thought for now. I have to really think on those sort of ideas since like I said, i think so optimistically. this week is awesome, kids are doing good at school, and I'm jsut counting down to fall break. AUSTIN. my gay buddy down there is currently in a sober house because he had a relapse recently, but he can come and go as he pleases, and I'll stay one night with him there, and the rest in his condo near downtown where his bf is living. also his bf said I could get a massage (he's recently been going to school for masseuse (sp?) ). man am I ready for fall break. :)
2 comments:
follow ur heart my friend.
obviously you are a smart big hearted guy - so here's the deal as I see - how much you have or have not done has very little to do with what or how your sexuality turns out (to be)- categories are limited but there is some truth in them - the real key is honesty - I have lived almost 40 years as an openly gay man - I have not ghettoized myself - i have always had many many straight married and single friends - many w/children - they and their children have known I was gay from the start - many of these friendships are going on their 3rd decade and none were ended because of any gay issues - Although probably because of the gay lib era I grew up in it has long felt very natural to me to think of myself as normal regular and gay all the same time - but in fact through the years I have been attracted to and had sex with quite a few women ( of course many more men! ) - one in particular lasted for 4 years and even though we lived together she understood that I would be having sex and "fond attachments" with a series of men but that she was who I was in love with - she and I still communicate (different cities) and express our lifelong love for each other - she went on the have kids - I became friends wit her husband (they stayed w/me and my then current love when they were traveling once - and again her kids always knew I was gay and some point in a very natural way knew the history of the relationship between their mother and I - but the real point of all that info is that when I met her (getting off a bus) and it was more or less love at first sight - the moment I knew I wanted to "know" her I said " I want to see you again , but bottom line is I'm gay" her reply was "no problem" within 2 wks were were living together - I NEVER EVER thought or needed to think no matter how great the sex was (amazing) that it made me straight - I can kind of grudgingly admit to being slightly bi - in the early days of gay lib one of the big points of the movement was that anyone should have the freedom to fall in love with anyone - definitely including gay men falling in love w/straight women - there are women our there who are open minded - who are sort of bored w/strt men - and if they are honest w/ themselves prefer being w/gay men - (often as time passes it turns out a lot of men they were with turn out to be gay and if they never deal it it makes them feel like something is "wrong" with them)- but of course there has to be an adult understanding about how both will have what they need to thrive - plus some tools to deal with the emotional etc issues that will arise - which is true for any relationship - there is no relationship that does not require work - just because there's no couple like the one you want to be in doesn't it's not possible - or that you can't create it - I know I've seen it happen to so many people - now granted none of my above history took place in anywhere like OKC (my parents lived there for a while and i've visited ) - but I do live in the houston area now and having surprising # of friends who are dealing with similar issues that seem to be even more rampant in more conservative areas - some closer to my age - and I can tell you that all of them (some w/kids) wish they had processed all this and made peace w' themselves much earlier - well this is pretty long winded but you seem like such a nice guy from yr posts - one last thing from reading it seems that one thing that comes across is that you have an (at least) complicated relationship with the actual doing part of having sex (perhaps not while but after? )so good luck - you're in my prayers!
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